Sometimes in the past,
late at night, when it’s too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything
at all or at least in anything beautiful. I believed in change because it is
permanent. I believed in pain because it is sometimes physical. I believed in
anger because it can consume you. But I was not sure I can believe in either
love or trust.
I could not then
understand these two things most people build their dreams on. Love fails to be
unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it.
Then, we claim it never was love because love shouldn’t die. It is forever. But
when it becomes a routine (like saying "I love you" for instance),
love does die. Lastly, when love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it
isn’t beautiful anymore.
As for trust, it was
self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion,
betrayal isn’t far behind. For every failed judgment we ask ourselves:
"Did I trust too little or too much?” It is difficult to shut up every
question in favor of complete trust, only to realize too late something you
could have known had you only asked.
Where does love and trust
start and end?
I have seen hundreds of
people disappointed over unfulfilling relationships. I have seen passion turn
into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We
seem to love so much, but now it’s gone. We ask ourselves: "Why do I feel
so lonely even if he’s right beside me? Why can’t our relationship be more than
this?” I think all people have at one point in their life experienced the
painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement,
even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a
no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can’t be reversed.
Now, falling in love in
itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that
consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy
that grips you. They do not know the mental stress you experience trying to
rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in
love with a person who doesn’t love you back.
Oftentimes, people in love
are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying
it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood. Who can enjoy running around
with your heart on your sleeve? It’s like trying to cross a tightrope and
always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous!
Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It
is a thousand deaths every time. It’s an "unmourned" for death
because no one else can understand.
Love is not sustained by
hope but by wishes. There’s a difference.
No matter how perverse,
people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly
wishing that he’d give a sign to show it isn’t hopeless. In desperation,
unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane. How can you
love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How
foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human too! "Why won’t he
love me? What is wrong with me?", scattered thoughts echoing such pain are
not exactly abnormal. Even the best- looking, best-hearted people can’t always
expect others to love them back.
Why?
People sometimes need to
feel unloved by everyone. So there is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It
happens all the time. I wont delude you into thinking that if he can’t love you
back he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the
headaches, the anxiety, the embarrassment, etc. He is worth it because, like
you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a
reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else,
just think of whom you’re hurting by loving him. It’s a cycle. Whose love are
you not returning? I know we can love deeply, tenderly, and lastingly.
I have seen such love and
I have felt such love myself. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a
fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their
number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for
loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to
value their time together. How we see our partners often depends on how we are
than how they are. We are not audience but participant observers in each
other’s lives.
I used to ask myself where
the love between my ex-boyfriend and I had gone. Maybe it’s because we forgot
that we are the ones who make it. Love was not out there. It was here between
my ex and me. Before, I saw him as a very sweet, caring, patient, and loyal
person. But now it’s different. It seemed like I’m the only one who does the
loving. He really changed a lot. People really do change. Our hurtful and
infantile arguments illustrate how we, instead of looking for love, may look
for flaws. We spent the relationship struggling to change each other’s minds.
But I realized it a little too late. We must accept that there are many
realities and learn to accept different points of view.
My ex then became my
eye-opener. He saw what I never could, and I do the same for him. We made
points of view between the two of us that’s totally different from either one
of us. He was there with me when it can be too cold or too warm. Both of us
were restless, yearning for more than what we had, what we were. Everything was
unbalanced and unpredictable. In a most imperfect setting, two not-so-perfect
people shared something so very simple— a perfectly imperfect
friendship—it’s enough. At least he gave me something beautiful to believe in
(love and trust).
I have felt so much pain
during the relationship with my ex. It was hard to accept that I have loved
someone who had stopped loving me. Now, I couldn’t help ask myself why do I no
longer believe in these two beautiful ideas (love and trust). Why can’t I give
myself a chance to be in love again? Maybe I’m just too scared. Or perhaps,
maybe because I had been waiting for a perfect moment, a perfect someone, and a
perfect me. Maybe because I had always felt that beliefs ought to be
perfect—ideal, so to speak.
At the end of the day,
when all is said and done, loving without being loved back is the best thing to
do because feeling so much pain, I learn to heal; knowing so much fear, I learn
to stand up to anything; carrying so much sadness, I learn to glorify in joy.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a
lifetime venture in which we’re always learning, discovering and growing.
Lastly, this may be a cliché but there is someone who is right for you (and
even for me), and even if he’s not, he’d s till be right because loving doesn’t
make sense until you accept it and make it real.
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i have read this essay somewhere in the net before… i dont know if its here in friendster too or what.. the thing is dat this essay was such an eye opener for me and in a way a sort of emotional theraphy for me when i feel so down about my relationship with someone… and right now, with all teh shit going on with my luvlyf… i juz feel like reading this one often this past few days… wala lng.. nagpapakasenting ewan… ^_^
so, to whom ever wrote the above essay.. thank you.. you touched me with your writing… sorry lang talga if di ko maaalala kung sino po ikaw..
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