pinoy big blogger

mood: depressed to the millionth power. ok, exagerration. i am depressed. very.

the thing is that i have given up. i have surrended the battle. for now, at least. i need a rest. i need a breathing space. i need a change of plans.

i cant seem make things work out for me and her anymore. i cant take anymore the conversations that we have that always end up in me literally begging for her to take me back and her bringing back all those things i’ve done and make me just go down in shame. i just cant take it anymore. everytime i ask her back, she just keep saying that its too late. everytime i tell her that i will do everything she wants, she say that someone else is already doing those for her. everytime i tell her that i love her, she tells me that she loves someone else. i am blocked. every shot i take to that basket of redemption is being rejected bigtime. and i cant take it anymore.

and guess what, she wants to be friends with me. and i dont know if i want that now. i dont know if i can take that consolation prize of friendship. i dont know if i can even hold on to that. coz i know, as long i have her near me, i will always long for the time for her to come back. as long as we have the chance to talk, i will always tell her the feelings i have for her. as long as we see each other, i will always take that chance to show her that i am changed, and i need her in my life. i dont know if i want the friendship for now. i love her too much to be just a friend.

so i have to let go. maybe its just too late. maybe she’s right, i was too late. i have realized things too late. the pain i feel everytime i think about how i fucked things up doesnt matter anymore. she loves someone else (though she cant say that she loves the guy much MORE than me, but that’s besides the point), and she cant seem to let go of that other guy. she tells me that she doesnt want to hurt him. but the thing is, she is hurting me by staying with him. i hate it when bad karma just hits it right back home. fuck.

they say that we you love someone, set them free. i always thought that was stupid.

i have always believed that when you love someone, you fight for that love. you go the extra mile for the love you deserve. you hold on. but now, i am letting go. because i love her. so much. so much that it hurts her, and yes, eventually hurting me too. im letting go.

goddamn, im so stupid.

so after all the things i have done in the past month to win her over, it just comes down to this. me, letting go. me, giving up. me, failing. its like everything i have done was for nothing. just a long series of humiliation and pain. hay.

i guess that’s the end of it, huh?