goddammit.
so yun na nga, natapos na ang one month hiatus namin ni bew. at pagkatapos ng isang buwan na paghihintay, what i get is the ultimate shoot down.
yes, she doesnt want to get back with me. "i dont think i still have the same feelings for you anymore." that’s what she said. i dont excatly kow what that really means, but i think, basically it means that she doesnt love me anymore. and that she dont want to get back together with me. and that all the plans i have for us would just be some wishful thinking, some fantasy. and that once again i am going through this path i have chosen alone.
i dont know. what do i know anyway? i have been writing here, hoping that she would read all these posts here and make her realize how much i have been hoping ang wishing that she would give that "chance" one more time. one last time. and that eventually we would have again a chance to make al those plans we had before another run and make them come true. what do i know anyway? yes, i got the highest grade possible from my thesis. im graduating with scores that i can really be proud of. i have already have laid out some really good plans for my future. but i tell you this, those things are far more easier to get than finding and having that one person that would really love you and accept you - and keep it that way. and i failed in that course. terribly.
hay..
its just that i have looked forward to this day, so much. i have been so fucking excited and jittery and tense and everything. i have acting so fucking sissy about this day and now i am just so fucked up. so please dont mind me rambling here on how much i am hurt (which i am) and dissapointed and just plain down about this issue right now. i can go on here writing how very busy me and some of my friends have been this day helping out in CS faculty (we did some updating of files, enlisting of students to their blocks, and printing of grade sheets) and did some strolling in greenhills in the afternoon, but i just dont have enough "happy pills" to take and make this post a little bit brighter like some of the recent posts.
its just that i have waited. i have respected her decision to not talk to her, and text her and call her and email her (though sometimes i just couldnt help it). and now i get this. i know, i shouldnt have been so hopeful after all the shit i have done, but i thought she still loved me that much. because that’s what i felt the last time we where together. that’s what i felt from the last kiss we had before she had to ride that elevator. that’s what i felt from some of her replies to my email some weeks ago. i guess i felt wrong. and i guess, maybe its time to take that consolation prize and move one with my life.
fuck.
so i guess there’s no more reason for me to stay longer here in manila. better speed up my arrangements, finish up all other hanged appointments and gather all the neccessary paperwork for me to be on my way to baguio. god i wish i would really get that job in baguio. i cant take it anymore here. i cant take being here and not be with bew. at least in baguio, i know i am alone and i wont be expecting anyone to be there.
and how i wish this hurting on my chest would just stop now…
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