pinoy big blogger

my father just died recently.

it came as a shock to all of us, his family, friends, officemates. it was such a surprise because if you know him personally, you would know how healthy and strong he is. it was even their company’s annual medical check up the morning before he passed away, and he passed the tests. it still such a shock to me that it still feels surreal. i still see the images in my head when i was talking to him before he died, and it doesnt feel real. i was holding him then and i thought that he was still coming back. even now i wish for him to come back.

i have a very typical relationship with my father, but i dont know if he knows how much i look up upon him, how much i wanted to be like him, how much i idolized him. When we sit down and talk, we talk about the metal manufacturing industry, on how he get the deals done, the work he’s done, the people he’s met. I just always listen to him and secretly hoped that i could someday be able to do the things he could. to become as succesful as him and to be like the person that he is. responsible, dedicated, loyal, disciplined.

as a father he was STRICT. very, very strict. and to think that he has three sons but still he was over protective of us. he always worry about us and how we would go about the big world ahead of us. and i apprecite him so much because of that. though it was a different when i was younger. back then, i was scared of him. he always seem aggressive and always seem angry at us for even the small reasons. the three of us we’re very much scared of him back then (though our youngest brother is still very much afraid of him).

as a husband he was very thoughtful. there are times that my mother would be surprised by gifts, flowers or some impromptu trip somewhere. when my mother asks for something when she makes lambing, my father makes sures he gives her wishes. even though my father hates being in te hospital (or rather, he’s afraid of hospitals), he would still bravely stay there whenever my mother is there.

as the company’s second man, he was like no other. he was in control, he was a perfectionist, he was a good role model, he was (too) strict, he was respected by collegues. he was called "Mayor" in the company where he worked for 29 years. he was so loyal to that company and he has given them so much. he has helped the company achieved so much. when i talked to one of my father’s collegues in the company, he said that my father was the number one in the metal manufacturing industry in the country. if you where in that field, its either you know him or you’ve heard of him because he was doing business with your company. i talked last night to the wife of the company president and she told me how big a loss my father is to the company. she told me that it would take at least three persons to take over the work load my father has left. he was always like that, trying to do as much as he can.

yes, he was such a big loss. he has left a big space to fill, especially in the family. its so hard to imagine how we would do without him. of course we can, but it would be so hard. it would be so hard to fill that big heart, that warm prescence, that big voice that scares the hell out of us, that stories that go over the family dinner, the strenght that supports the household, the wisdom that have guided us.

it scares the shit out of me to think of the responsibilities he has left for me to handle. but i have to be strong, i have to be like him. because he never gave up, not once on his life. he grew up in a farm in camarines sur, walked 5 kilometers just to go to his highschool, braved the metro after he finished technical school, got into the company he worked for 29 years as a machinist and left there as the second man. he carried his family through thick and thin and protected everyone and everything he loved with his life.

i really wish i could be like him. how i wish i can give to our family the kind of support and guidance and love that he gave all his life. how i wish i can do all the things he has done, go to places he’s been, and learned the things he has learned and his life. so that in the end, i know that he would be proud of me too, like the way i am so proud of him now.

i miss my father, and i know im going to miss him for the rest of my life.